Three Keys for Embodied Consent
[ Three keys to support pleasure, safety and consent in intimate play. ]
Preable
Embodied Consent is central to so much of the work I offer, supporting people to feel safe in their own bodies. It’s also foundational to feeling safe in our intimate connections allowing access to greater levels of pleasure that we may not have known were even possible.
So I’ve created a simple resource of the Three Keys for Embodied Consent. I’ve included the full text below, but it also exists as a downloadable Smart PDF that you can take with you and share with others. I hope it proves useful!
Introduction
First off: What is "embodied consent" anyway? Put simply, it is where consent shifts from an intellectual understanding to one that we "get" at a deeper level – when an idea becomes embodied in our nervous system: a felt sense.
In truth, there are many keys to embodied consent, but the three I've identified here have been foundational in both my life and the work I offer.
And what happens when you use these keys? Well, the pleasure and play that results can be next level. But perhaps the more important thing is what doesn't happen!
To maximise our pleasure and enjoyment with our partners, what we want to avoid (in any form of intimate, sensual and sexual play), is the possibility of activating or triggering each other.
We do this through emotional attunement, presence, and connection. These keys support getting to this place with what is known as nervous system regulation (which simply means feeling safe in our bodies)!
With that understanding, go forth and play!
These keys were developed as part of Bear's Embodied Consent workshop series. Please contact Bear if you'd like to be on the waitlist for the next outing.
You are welcome to freely share this content (though saying where it came from would be appreciated).
THE THREE KEYS
The three keys to support embodied consent and nervous sytem regulation.
"Safety is not the absence of threat, it is the presence of connection.” ~ Gabor Maté
1. Go Slow!
More than anything, going slowly will help you and your partner's nervous system make sense of what is happening and how that feels internally. Trust (and therefore safety) is earned, not assumed. The slower you go, the more you can feel.
> However slow you are going in any kind of intimate touch, go half-as-slow again. Use this as a mantra.
2. Signal!
Just as being cut off on the motorway can trigger anger – surprises activate the nervous system. Always signal your desire and intention.
> Make clear what it is you are going to do, and wait for an unambiguous response. With someone new, ask! Always! With someone you know well, you can use non-verbal signals. But either way, wait! Allow your partner time to feel into what is about to happen and to express a 'No' if they need.
3. Breathe!
Breath interrupts the stress response. Some tantric approaches suggest you match your breath to your partner’s to share their experience. From a nervous system perspective I prefer to support my partner by co-regulating – by being the grounded, self-aware presence my partner can return to.
> Make your out-breath longer, slower, and deeper than your in-breath. This sends the signal to your brain that you are safe, and communicates safety to your partner too.
Here’s the downloadable Smart PDF:
Explore More?
If you'd like to explore how embodied consent can create safety and increase your ability to access deep pleasure – book a free 30-minute, no-obligation call with me.
Or message me here to join the Wait List for my workshop series Embodied Consent 3x3 – 3 workshops over 3 months deepening into an understanding of embodied consent in preparation for a play-party/ Temple night!
Outro
I always welcome feedback. Leave me a comment!