I had an experience of allowing myself to be vulnerable to a greater degree than I ever had before. It was in conversation with the man I had lived with for 32 years. We were speaking with each other about how we were going to fully separate. When I allowed my vulnerability so deeply I discovered that in that state I felt the safest I had ever felt in my life. The fear of vulnerability tries to keep us safe by avoiding it... Yet once I let go, and fully allowed it, there was nothing to lose. Nothing left to fear. It freed me so much, ongoing. I can still have defensive tendencies at times, but their hold on me loosened significantly that day. 🙂
Thank you so much for this Ruth! Acknowledging the vulnerability in the sharing too! Yes, it’s so often the case that the fear of something – the natural instinct to protect ourselves – is often bigger than the thing itself! I think of that as the ability to build trust within ourselves before we can extend that to another. I’m so pleased for you that you had such a profound and embodied experience of safety, especially so in an ending, when we often feel the least safe – that’s properly inspiring to read! Thank you! 🙏
this got me thinking that toxic monogamous culture teaches us that we should be able to anticipate all of our partners wants and needs. culturally we are expected to be able to answer on behalf of our partners (e.g. "would Phil be interested in such and such?") because that is a signifier of deep intimacy. we can make guesses and assumptions, sure, but maybe in order to keep this level of excitement that perel says we lose in long term relationships we have to allow ourselves to 'unknow' our partners. its easy to fall into merging when we assume we know everything our partner is thinking/feeling, but that also has the danger of keeping us in our stories of our partners. we dont let them grow and change so of course that feels stale and leads to sexlessness.
great read Bear, thanks for the work you're doing!
Yes! That’s so perfectly put and captures the nuance of what I was aiming for – that there’s a difference between the perceived safety of merging and the more felt and embodied emotional safety we experience when we are really connected with each other. I’m suggesting we can feel that safety, and experience deep levels of pleasure, even with people we don’t know very well – a different kind of deep intimacy that may or may not exist in long-term monogamous relationships.
Wow yes. Safety. I would love to experience that sort of depth of emotional connection. My vulnerability I think is the best and most honest and exploratory part of myself. I find it hard to create that safety with people who are not on a similar wavelength..... The fear of anything just disappears.....it becomes exciting not fearful when safe.
When I don't feel listened to and really heard....... I can't get to that emotional sweet spot of surrender.
A great as article again....
Especially the part of the nervous system . Over the last 6 ish years ive been working with people on trauma and attachments it's been fascinating.
As for transferring this into relationships......I am yet to be successful. Even with sharing my authenticity..
Thank you so much for this Suzi – yes! Our experiences of intimacy can become so much more exciting when we feel safe, and not fearful!
I hear you! I think it's quite the process/ journey to find someone to experience this with relationally. In my experience, it requires earning trust over time rather than assuming trust (till it's broken) as we so often seem to expect. I _trust_ you'll find that experience too! 😊
I had an experience of allowing myself to be vulnerable to a greater degree than I ever had before. It was in conversation with the man I had lived with for 32 years. We were speaking with each other about how we were going to fully separate. When I allowed my vulnerability so deeply I discovered that in that state I felt the safest I had ever felt in my life. The fear of vulnerability tries to keep us safe by avoiding it... Yet once I let go, and fully allowed it, there was nothing to lose. Nothing left to fear. It freed me so much, ongoing. I can still have defensive tendencies at times, but their hold on me loosened significantly that day. 🙂
Thank you so much for this Ruth! Acknowledging the vulnerability in the sharing too! Yes, it’s so often the case that the fear of something – the natural instinct to protect ourselves – is often bigger than the thing itself! I think of that as the ability to build trust within ourselves before we can extend that to another. I’m so pleased for you that you had such a profound and embodied experience of safety, especially so in an ending, when we often feel the least safe – that’s properly inspiring to read! Thank you! 🙏
Excellent piece Bear. As a follow passionate advocate for safety and slowing down - this explains it really well. 🙌
Oh yay! I feel happy reading that – especially from someone who’s work I respect and admire so…! 🙏🥰
this got me thinking that toxic monogamous culture teaches us that we should be able to anticipate all of our partners wants and needs. culturally we are expected to be able to answer on behalf of our partners (e.g. "would Phil be interested in such and such?") because that is a signifier of deep intimacy. we can make guesses and assumptions, sure, but maybe in order to keep this level of excitement that perel says we lose in long term relationships we have to allow ourselves to 'unknow' our partners. its easy to fall into merging when we assume we know everything our partner is thinking/feeling, but that also has the danger of keeping us in our stories of our partners. we dont let them grow and change so of course that feels stale and leads to sexlessness.
great read Bear, thanks for the work you're doing!
Yes! That’s so perfectly put and captures the nuance of what I was aiming for – that there’s a difference between the perceived safety of merging and the more felt and embodied emotional safety we experience when we are really connected with each other. I’m suggesting we can feel that safety, and experience deep levels of pleasure, even with people we don’t know very well – a different kind of deep intimacy that may or may not exist in long-term monogamous relationships.
Wow yes. Safety. I would love to experience that sort of depth of emotional connection. My vulnerability I think is the best and most honest and exploratory part of myself. I find it hard to create that safety with people who are not on a similar wavelength..... The fear of anything just disappears.....it becomes exciting not fearful when safe.
When I don't feel listened to and really heard....... I can't get to that emotional sweet spot of surrender.
A great as article again....
Especially the part of the nervous system . Over the last 6 ish years ive been working with people on trauma and attachments it's been fascinating.
As for transferring this into relationships......I am yet to be successful. Even with sharing my authenticity..
Anyway. Another thought provoking piece
Thank you so much for this Suzi – yes! Our experiences of intimacy can become so much more exciting when we feel safe, and not fearful!
I hear you! I think it's quite the process/ journey to find someone to experience this with relationally. In my experience, it requires earning trust over time rather than assuming trust (till it's broken) as we so often seem to expect. I _trust_ you'll find that experience too! 😊